Lessons From Failing Forward
My brother, Jeremy, who has autism, went through a pretty difficult time in his early 20’s. He was hospitalized for several weeks after a period of real instability and difficult transitions. One of the reasons we offer the Moving On workshops at LOV Inc. is because of my real-life experience with my brother when he transitioned to living in his own apartment. His transition was not well-planned or thoughtful, and no one in my family thought about how much support he might need to successfully become independent.
My brother is a little older than me, so I was a college student while this was happening. Things came to a crisis point in August of 2004 when Jeremy landed in a hospital in Madison after his landlord called 911. I was away visiting friends in Ohio when I got the call. My dad was a long haul truck driver and was even further away. My mom lived in Arizona and couldn’t get to Wisconsin, so she asked me to hurry back to Madison and figure out what was happening.
As we pieced things together, a clearer picture formed of what had gone wrong. My parents had underestimated how much this change would destabilize Jeremy and how much support he was going to need on a day-to-day basis to make sure he was taking care of himself. All of Jeremy’s stuff was at his new apartment, but other than his computer, a lot of it was still in boxes, including basic things like towels and dishes.
I felt overwhelmed and alone, so I started contacting anyone and everyone who might be able to help us. I had just taken a class the previous school year in the social work program on developmental disabilities, so I contacted my professor, Don Anderson. Don connected me to so many resources and people who could help, and he also talked me down from thinking I had to become my brother’s guardian in order to help him. This story would have a very different ending if not for Don’s wisdom and guidance.
Jeremy and I talked a lot about his future while he was in the hospital, and how we could address the things that led him to be there. It was an emotional time for both of us, but we agreed that failing at something wasn’t the end of the world if you learned something about how to do better in the future. I called this failing forward, and it practically became our motto over the next few years.
Over 20 years later, I think we are still failing forward. There have been other hospital stays and emergencies. Bad things have happened to Jeremy, but we’ve focused on making sure the same bad thing doesn’t happen twice. Jeremy has also grown and changed in ways that I never thought possible back then. He’s still got the biggest and most forgiving heart. He’s learned from bad experiences and knows his limits and boundaries.
When I reflect back on this time in 2004, I remember a few things very clearly. First, I remember how it felt to have my friends and family show up for me and Jeremy to help us through this, even when they overstepped or pushed too hard. Secondly, I remember the unexpected support I got from the families I worked for as a respite provider. Both families I worked for showed up for me in so many ways during this time, and it was such a comfort to know that they understood the unique challenge of navigating my brother’s care needs. I had never experienced that kind of community of support before, and when LOV Inc. started a few years later, I knew we were on the right path when I saw that sense of community care developing in our group.
– Stefanie Primm, Executive Director